Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
File under excellent bookstore names.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
i meant to share this earlier
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks