Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
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6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.