I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
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For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.