You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
sistine chapel
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.