With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
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I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Why I divorced her.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
bugs when you lift up a rock
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.