Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
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Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Air conditioning – not a fan
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.