(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
You Might Also Like
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
sigh
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet