If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.