It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
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I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!