True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
You Might Also Like
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
this came to me in a vision
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Twitter is an abusement park.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I really had high hopes for this year though
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.