“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
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Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
just gave your address to some spiders
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.