Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
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Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything