[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
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That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My last name is Zilla.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Never be a pizza!
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.