my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
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Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Well, this certainly took a turn
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again