I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.