I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
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127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.