It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
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my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*