I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
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#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.