My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
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do u think theres a butter planet?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Effort made
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me buying fruit and veg
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.