I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?