When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
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If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Free him
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you