[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
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You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]