Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
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Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Every haunted house movie:
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.