don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I was bored.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*