I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
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*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”