Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
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Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My whole life was a lie.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”