My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
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I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’