You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
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The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
How I like cutting carbs
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)