***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
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I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.