A little too much information.
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The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Challenge accepted.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.