Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
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We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.