[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
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[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer