You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
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My doctor says I only have one diabete.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.