[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
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animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
tell em, edith-anne
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”