Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
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Proctology is located in A55
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question