My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
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If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Sign at work today
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.