You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.