People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
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[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Flowers bee like
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*