Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.