So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think