Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
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It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Education is vital
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.