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Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!