My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
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likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit