I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
This will never not be funny 😭
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’d use my best pan on you.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.