my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
You Might Also Like
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Ovenable?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*