cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
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[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.