Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
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Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Pot warmers of the day.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces