There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
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Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.