Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
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There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not