Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
You Might Also Like
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
At least he brought enough for everyone
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence